What am I doing

This is me laying on 96 rolls of toilet paper. My uncle heard that we were out and shipped me a huge box. It is honestly one of my favorite memories of college.

My uncle was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer a few weeks ago. I am devastated. I am shattered. His diagnosis came as a shock to all of us and I am still in disbelief.

I hesitated telling anyone of his diagnosis; afraid to receive sympathy and afraid of my reaction to it. I tried to sustain normalcy for as long as possible. I didn't even tell my best friend until last night.

I realized that I couldn't continue not speaking up about it. I was drowning and no one knew. I needed to start throwing life lines.

My uncle's diagnosis has taken me right back to the day that my mom was diagnosed. The last time I had to deal with devastating news, I was 12 years old. Things are so much different when you are 20.

As I am working on this website, I cannot help but feel slightly ashamed to be complaining about boys or awkward situations. It seems petty. Those thing don't matter. The boy that thought I was awkward for telling him about my mom's diagnosis doesn't matter. The awkward stares that we get from strangers when we park in handicap parking spots don't matter.

But, what does matter are moments like this. Moments of happiness, moments where we laugh until it hurts, moments where you can lay on 96 rolls of toilet paper.

So, when you read my confessions just know that my heart comes from a place of nostalgia. I hold no grudges. I am not still thinking of the boy who took two hours to respond to me.

It is so important to laugh. Especially when you feel like you are drowning.